What Happens In Therapy

So you’re curious about therapy, but you’ve heard a lot of crazy things about it, and you’re wondering “What really happens in therapy?” You’re in the right place, my friend. Read on as I dispel 7 myths about therapy and clue you into what happens behind closed doors.

First, let’s do a little exploration of where you’re starting from. When I say the word “therapy” what images come to mind?

• Do you think “that’s only something for crazy people”?
• Do you imagine yourself lying on a couch as a professional writes a bunch of notes analyzing you?
• Do you expect everything discussed will be blamed on “mommy issues” or “daddy issues”? 
• Do you worry your therapist can read your mind?
• Do you think “it’s really not THAT bad, I can handle this myself”?
• Do you experience feelings of embarrassment or shame just at the thought of talking to a professional? 
• Do you worry you will be judged?

If any of these myths of therapy come up for you, then I encourage you to read on. Because therapy offers a unique opportunity to gain the support for your psychological health that is vital to your health overall. If you’re interested in improving or maintaining your well-being, then mental health is a necessary area of focus. So let’s dive into each of these myths of therapy and learn more about what actually happens in therapy.

 

Myth 1: “Therapy is only something for crazy people”

Truth: Therapy is for everyone.

 

When I say everyone, I mean everyone, regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, language, age, ability, culture, socio-economic status, or occupation. Any person, with any combination of those demographics (and others I may not have listed here), can benefit from therapeutic support. 

And what does “crazy” mean anyway? Is it anyone with a diagnosable mental health condition? Does “crazy” refer to only those with more severe forms of mental illness, such as psychosis, or does it also include those feeling depressed or anxious? Does it refer to me, when I feel like I’m losing my mind after my children throw themselves into their 50th tantrum of the day? 

The reality is therapy has an important role in treating those with diagnosable mental health problems as well as those facing the typical pains associated with being a parent, an employee, someone in a marriage, or just a human being. 

We all face problems, and as social beings, we are all helped within the framework of relationships, which makes therapy a perfect vehicle for navigating the ups and downs of life.

 

Myth 2: Anyone who goes to therapy can expect to lie on a couch as a professional writes down a bunch of notes and “analyzes you”

Truth: The field of therapy is vast and you can find the right approach for you

 

Hollywood has its gifts, but there are times when it grossly perpetuates inaccurate stereotypes, and this is one of those times. This association of therapy with the couch comes from the era of Freud’s psychoanalysis and dates back to the early 1900s. Since then a wide variety of therapies have been established, most of which don’t require anyone to lie on a couch. 

These days therapy can take many forms, such as in-person, telehealth, walk-and-talks, and groups. There are a number of different types of established therapies (some of which can be found here), but many therapists use a blend, adapting their style to fit their client’s unique needs (this is the art of therapy!) 

Lest this leaves you feeling pressured to find the “perfect” therapeutic approach, let me reassure you that research suggests that THE most important aspect of therapy is the relationship you have with your therapist. So, when evaluating potential therapists, prioritizing a good connection is a great place to start.

And, if the idea of the couch appeals to you, by all means, that is available still too!

 

Myth 3: Everything discussed in therapy is blamed on “mommy issues” or “daddy issues”

Truth: You have the ability to accept or reject any theory offered by your therapist

 

Every therapist is challenged to identify their own theoretical understanding of why and how problems occur for people. Some therapists prioritize this piece in therapy (myself included), believing that understanding the ways in which we were shaped by our early caregivers can help us identify the unconscious ways we see the world and ourselves now, and once we see it, we can do something about. Whereas other therapists focus less on how the problems all came about, and instead prioritize solutions. 

The beautiful thing about therapy is your agency in choosing what is right for you. If one approach sounds more suited for your needs, by all means, seek out someone who matches that need. 

And if you find yourself already in the midst of treatment with a therapist and they offer up a possible way of understanding something that doesn’t fit, say so! Not only will you help give your therapist valuable information about what is and isn’t working for you, it also gives your therapist a chance to better explain how they came to that perspective. Talking through this together can lead both the therapist and client to new ways of understanding each other and the topic they are discussing. It really is a win-win situation. 

 

Myth 4: Therapists can read your mind

Truth: Therapists only know what you communicate

 

Let me elaborate here. Therapists only know what you communicate, but keep in mind that you communicate in more ways than just words. In addition to verbal language, therapists are trained to pay attention to non-verbal forms of communication, such as facial expressions and body language. This is one way we might pick up on something that you may not even be aware of yourself (because let’s be honest, we ALL deceive ourselves from time to time!)

And another tool we use is our attention to detail that, over time, helps us pick up on patterns and nuances. We use this attention to detail to help us make educated guesses on what might be going on for you. We use this to pose questions or guide us in our work, but at the end of the day, you are the ultimate expert in you. And this means that sometimes we might get it wrong, or make a suggestion that doesn’t fit, and it’s ok to tell us that. After all, this is all in the service of you.

 

Myth 5: “It’s really not THAT bad, I can handle this myself”

Truth: Just because you can handle it alone, it doesn’t mean you should

 

I said this earlier, but we are social beings. And because of that, we all benefit from the support offered by relationships. The therapeutic relationship is no different. 

When we work through problems together, our stress level automatically reduces. After the sheer act of sharing it with another (and before anything about the stress has changed), we already feel better. It no longer feels as though the burden is all on our own shoulders, and we can instead share the load. 

Alternatively, when we try and manage stress alone, it can quickly lead to our impaired functioning. When stress reaches a certain point, it can impact our immune system, interfere with our memory, disrupt our sleep, and increase our risk of physical health problems. This not only interferes with our ability to effectively manage the stress, but it also interferes with every other part of our lives (think: marriages, parenting, work performance, self care, and more!)

So while you CAN handle your problems all on your own, it really doesn’t benefit you to do so.

 

Myth 6: Talking to a professional is embarrassing or shameful

Truth: Your feelings are connected to the messages you tell yourself

 

Embarrassment and shame stem from a perception that what you are doing is wrong, or that you are inherently flawed. If your perception of therapy is that it is either embarrassing or shameful, it can feel like this is a hurdle that can’t be overcome. But in reality, our perceptions are malleable, which is evidenced by any experience you’ve ever had where you changed your mind on something. Though surely some things are harder to shift than others, it is possible. 

If you’d like to try therapy, but this perception is holding you back, try exposing yourself to people who view therapy differently. Oftentimes our views are shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, which means we can shift those perceptions by spending time with those with an alternative perception. 

Where do you find these people? 

Well, start with who you currently know. Do you have any friends, family members, or acquaintances that have gone to therapy before? Ask them about their experience. There’s no shame in asking. After all, they obviously found it enticing enough to try it! 

After that, consider whether you know anyone who works in the field of mental health. Perhaps a psychologist or therapist, or someone pursuing a related degree, or even someone who interacts with a mental health company, even though they themselves might work in a non-clinical role. Ask them to share their views on what they’ve seen in their work. 

If you don’t have any personal connections, seek out stories that others have publicly shared. Books, podcasts, news articles, blog posts, films, etc. There are a variety of mediums that people have used to describe their own efforts to battle the feelings associated with going to therapy. Sometimes hearing their stories and how they got themselves to the other side can help find the motivation for yourself to do the hard thing.  

And finally, consider joining an online group that is aimed at supporting people’s mental health. Facebook is a great resource for this, as there are many such groups on there, and you’re even likely to find one tailored to your specific need. Once accepted into such a group, you will most likely be exposed to very different approaches to looking at therapy, all of which can help you shift those engrained negative thoughts that might be getting in your way. 

 

Myth 7: Your therapist will judge you 

Truth: Your therapist’s job is to empower you

 

When you go to therapy you have a right to expect that you will be accepted instead of judged. In fact, the success of therapy relies on you feeling supported by your therapist. Knowing this, I recommend treating consultation calls and first appointments with a new therapist like an interview. (To clarify, you are interviewing them!). 

When you go in with the mindset that you are interviewing them, you can pay more attention to how you feel within the interaction. If you have any question marks come up, pay attention to them, and consider exploring other options.

 

So, there you have it. Seven myths and underlying truths about what happens in therapy that will hopefully start to nudge you in the direction of seeing it for the positive, adaptive source of support that it is! And if you’re ready to dive into the process of therapy, but need help figuring out where to start, check out How to Find a Therapist.

 

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Dana Basu, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of EverGROW therapy. She provides individual therapy, support groups, and online resources for parents in Orange County and throughout the state of California via online therapy. She specializes in working with people with difficult childhood experiences, trauma, parenting stress, and chronic guilt.